162 Days Ago

Tonight I will fall asleep as a life-long resident of Indiana. (If I ever actually get to sleep, that is.)

Tomorrow I will fall asleep as a brand-new resident of Massachusetts. (If I’m actually able to fall asleep, that is.)

My emotions are all over the board, and, for once in my life, I don’t even have a good theory about how to organize them or sort them out. For the past six weeks, I’ve gone with a “pretend they aren’t there” sort of coping strategy. I’ve thrown myself into finding housing, packing boxes, planning travel, scheduling utilities to be turned off/on, switching bank accounts, getting my daughter registered for her new school, trying to celebrate the holidays, and (mostly unsuccessfully) doing my best to squeeze in every possible moment that I can with loved ones. I’ve taken my little (read: HUGE) box of emotions and shoved them in the trunk between the TRIO blocks and Barbies.

Now, I wonder when that box will open. Will I open it willingly? Will it burst open when the emotions can no longer be contained? And what will I find when the lid comes off? 

At this point, I feel excitement more than anything. I have always, always wanted to experience living in a big city and tomorrow that wish will come true. My family and I will be living in Boston. That still feels completely unreal to me.

But every time I give myself a little room, the sadness creeps around the corner. What will I do when I really need a hug from my dad or to hold hands with my mom? How will it feel when my brother needs a hand, and I can’t be there to lend it? Or when my sister needs a girls’ night out, and I can’t be there to tag along? And let’s not even talk about my beautiful niece. She changes a little every day, and I’ve seen her at least twice a week for her entire life. Will I really be able to go three entire months without pressing my lips to her chubby wittle cheeks?

And I ache a little for my kids. How will it affect them to live a thousand miles away from Poppa and Nonna? From Pop and Gigi? Will they have to experience their first Grandparents’ Day without any grandparents in attendance? Is it selfish of me to pray that our new school district doesn’t observe Grandparents’ Day?

And, seriously, who will encourage Burke’s obsession with farts and butts and burps and other gross boy stuff? It annoys me to no end, but I’m so thankful he has playful grandfathers who aid and abet his mischievous side. Oh, God, please protect him. Mold him and shape him into the compassionate, charismatic young man you’ve created him to be.

Will Ruby make friends easily? Will she over-compensate for her insecurity by being really bossy? Will she be intimidated by her anxiety and become a wall-flower? Oh, God, please protect her. Mold her and shape her into the strong, sharp young woman you’ve created her to be. 

More than anything, I want our family to follow the path God has laid for us, and I feel, unequivocally, that this is the next step along that path. I can’t even list all of the incredible open doors and miraculous timing that brought this opportunity to our doorstep.

And that’s why these curiosities only creep around the corner…why they don’t dominate my thoughts and direct my emotions. Because I know who planned this move long before I did. I know who set this course long before I realized where it was headed. And he has never, not ever, left me hanging.

So tomorrow morning, I’ll wake up as a wide-eyed explorer…ready to take on this new adventure and live every moment to its fullest.

Bring it on, 2014, I am SO ready for you!

——

I wrote that 162 days ago…just hours before trading in my one-way ticket for a plane ride East. Reflection coming soon.

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